...In which our heroine is finally finished.

Last night sucked. It was the worst since I've been here, and it wasn't due to anything involving Columbia.

Since we've been here, Emily and I haven't been talking to Paul that much--we hung out twice early on and have since gone our separtate ways. But last night he ended up at our dorm for whatever reason, which didn't seem so bad since we hadn't hung out with him in probably two weeks.

Once he was here though, he went into typical Paul mode, and the situation evolved into a big arguement, which he walked out after. I was absolutely seething after the fight--so angry I was shaking. Meghan asked me if I was okay, then I just lost it...

The Basics: Paul and I got to be very close junior year. We became each other's confidante, especially on his behalf, as he had a multitude of issues that needed solving. For whatever reason, I thought I could fix these issues, and developed romantic feelings toward Paul. He became increasingly angrier and less inclined to do much of anything, which seemed like it couldn't get any worse by Christmas of this past year. Then Matt got in a fight with Paul, so we stopped talking and I got over the crush, not talking to Paul until graduation time, which he barely made it to. We had a long talk about things between us, his state of mind, plans for the future, in mid-June, and for most of the summer he seemed to have turned a corner.

Since we've been here, Paul's been treating me like total shit. Introducing me and Emily to his friends, he said "These are the girls I went to high school with, they're bitches who are going to try and seem cooler than me." He called us both bitches last night, amidst all the yelling and insulted Meghan, who he's never met before. I was beyond pissed, and I just start crying, the first and last tears I'll ever shed for Paul.

Until Christmas of this past year, I was always Paul's advocate in our group of friends. I defended him to teachers and helped him get motivated, at least when he still listenened. I was the one he called at three in the morning when he was in the dark depths. I stayed up late talking to him when he couldn't sleep and was so angry. I thought all the while I could fix him and he'd finally look at me in a different light since I had helped him.

That's what made last night so horrible--the two of us were so close at one point. And then to be totally disrespected, made a fool of, yelled at, and insulted by him when I've ever done is try and make him better. I've said it before, but I mean it this time: I'm finished.

The situation is just so frustrating because I put so much into someone that I got absolutely nothing in return for. When I told Paul I loved him on my birthday last year, despite the good deal of liquid courage in me, I meant it. At one point, I would have done anything if I knew it would help him.

I realize I'm never going to fix him. He doesn't care about anyone but himself--not even the one who gave the most to him. He has twisted thoughts in his brain and has become so nihilistic that everyone eventually leaves him. He is unmotivated and unappreciative. I can't change these things, so I just have to stop trying, once and for all.

But then there's the other factor: If I shun Paul totally, I'm worried just how he'd react. Paul, as I've said, is an angry sort and has done violent things (only to himself) in the past. He takes antidepressants, and those make him particularly volatile. I do not want to be on his bad side and feel the wrath that I know he has inside. He scares all of us, most of all me, because I know the thoughts that go through his head.

It's a sticky situation, one that I've been stuck in for too long. He followed me here, and now I can't escape. I wish he could just be out of my life and I wouldn't have to deal with any of the bullshit anymore. Not even the bullshit, but the lack of stability and total unpredictability.

Crying last night actually made me feel better, and this morning I'm just resigned to not talking to him anymore.

The worst part is I don't know what happened, if anything specific, that made him turn from my best friend to the person that upsets me the most. I miss my friend.