...In which our heroine parties.

I do not go to a typical college. There are not Greek keggers every weekend - it's a dry campus. So for one to find a party, you must go elsewhere. This is what I did last night.

Taylor lives in Wrigleyville and has thrown some epic parties this year. Last night was "Glow in the Dark II." Black lights, lasers, smoke, and DJs: this was not a high school party. It's still weird to me to go places where alcohol is just available and I don't have to work to get it. I still feel very little in those situations. Honestly, I don't drink much and last night was the first time since December probably that I had liquor, Jello shots to be exact. I don't really enjoy drinking that much but every once in a great while, I enjoy it. Blame Popov vodka in high school for that mentality.

Anyway, to the point of this. I always feel like an impostor, like I'm not cool enough, old enough, know enough people to be at said parties. Emily went with me which was awesome, we danced the night away. I just don't get the whole party attitude. Get drunk, dance with a stranger, and hook up with them. I felt trashy just being a part of it, being hit on by strange guys and dancing with them, I dunno. It just never has felt right to me. I know, it's the normal thing to do but it all seems so artificial. But don't get me wrong, I had a great time last night doing the "normal" college thing, it was a nice change of pace.

Shooting was fantastic today. The actors were very professional and gave great performances. I don't really want to be a director, but I think I'm pretty decent at it, at least so far. Working with actors is a whole challenge in and of itself, but it's a pretty fun one. 

A busy few days and more to come as the semester ends. Tonight, sleep and Synecdoche, New York. 

...In which our heroine throws up her hands.

Yesterday's post on Touch, Feel, & Lose got me thinking about how sometimes all you can do in a situation is laugh. Even in the most dire of days, sometime you just have to chalk it up to experience.

Let's take a look at Katydid's present existence: Boy A and I just broke up. I am still in love with him, although I know we aren't good for each other and he has other priorities. Boy B, on the other hand, the one I wasted high school pining for, has decided of late that he needs to declare his love for me and beg for me back. So Boy B wants me and I want Boy A. 

Since getting over the stage of wanting to throw myself on the el tracks, I find this a precarious position to be in. Honestly, I think it's kind of hilarious at this point. I'm stuck between someone I want who doesn't want me and someone who wants me but I don't want. Ah, young love. When they're young, they're green. 

Ben moves out tomorrow which I'm sure is going to be awesome. Seeing his poster all taken down put me in a great mood last night. Luckily, I'm shooting my final project this weekend to keep me occupied. 

In other news, I need a job. So far the best options seem to be AMC Theaters, Cheesecake Factory, Ulta Cosmetics, or Red Lobster. I don't really want to do retail, but most restaurant jobs are 21+, and a break from slingin' slop would be nice. I've tried to get internships with a couple film companies, but no luck, so I'll probably be amongst the common workforce. I just want something at this point. 

But anyway, all you can do is laugh sometimes. Thanks Kenny Powers:

...In which our heroine is has mixed emotions.

Friday night, I saw Empires, Deerhunter, and this band for free on campus:



Crystal Castles are hipster-hot right now, and so the show was packed. But the band didn't care. The singer, Alice Glass, was so drunk, that I watched her lay on the stage for fifteen minutes before crawling to the mic. Apparently, they showed up like an hour and a half late, and told the organizers that if anyone took pictures, they wouldn't play. 

They walked off stage three times before starting. Alice Glass was a drunk little banshee who poured vodka all over the first three rows, and crowd surfed. It was fun, but too serious for a campus show. Crystal Castles, get the fuck over yourselves. 

I haven't been posting much because I really am trying to get out more. Emily and I walked through Lincoln Park Saturday and got some awesome used stuff at Buffalo Exchange. Yesterday was Julia's birthday so we went out for that too. The weather seems to be sustaining itself in the nice category, despite the rain.

The era is ending. Three weeks of school left. I've been job hunting pretty much every day, to no luck yet. A few friends of Bugs already moved to Andersonville, so we've lost him to there. Ben moves out Friday, which I'm sure is going to hit me hard. Lane and Bugs are going home for the summer. The four people who I've spent the most time with this year, we're all diverging and I don't like it. Nights like last night - all munchies and cackling to Re-Animator, are numbered for us. I hate the end of things.

Homework-wise, it shouldn't be too horrible getting stuff done. The biggest thing is our final film, which shoots this weekend, and then has to be fully processed and edited within two weeks. Otherwise it's some bullshit papers and the like. I have been working on a new short on my own in addition to the two for screenwriting, which makes me happy.

...In which our heroine needs a distraction.

My current situation has put a lot of things in perspective. I'm really trying to get out more - I applied for a job with the huge Borders on State Street today, but I feel like they probably are overstaffed as is. I need to meet some new people and get out of this damn apartment. 

I feel quite bipolar. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm crying. Awesome. Sad does not suit me, and thus why I am trying to get out more and distract myself.

Now, lot's of media stuff: 

I started up Netflix again and added a mere 62 movies to my queue. They're mostly foreign, or mostly from the 70's renaissance of American filmmaking. It amazes me how some film majors either like shitty movies or just haven't seen what I consider "essential" films. But then there are the opposite, which are fewer in number, but twice as vocal about how many Criterion Collection discs they own. I fall somewhere in between, and have found that most of the cool film majors do too.

You should be watching Eastbound and Down, Danny McBride's hilarious HBO show. I passed the link for them onto my dad, who has been watching too. Something about McBride's delivery of his lines just cracks me up. 

Am I the only one who thinks Star Trek looks terrible? Maybe I'm not enthralled because of my grudge against all things J.J. Abrams, but everything in the trailer looks too slick for my tastes. Now Firefly, that's a future I can buy. 

Speaking of trailers, I can't for the life of me get pumped for the newest installment of HP. I hated the fifth movie, and thought the others, except for the 3rd installment from Alfonso Cuaron (LOVE) were pretty mediocre. We will see...

I don't think I'm going to Lollapalooza. I might get a one day pass if I could manage to see like the Beasties and the Decemberists on the same day, but the line-up just isn't that thrilling. Bonnaroo is far better. 

Some trailers for you-

Downloading Nancy has been done for a really long time, but is finally getting released June 5th. It stars Maria Bello, who is pretty cool, and looks to be in the vein of Cronenberg, so it's quite naughty. 

Sam Rockwell really impressed me in person and so I've been more of a fan since seeing him. His new movie, Moon, happens to be a sci-fi epic directed by Duncan Jones, son of David Bowie. I am so there.


No one is quite sure about the style of Charlyne Yi's Paper Heart. It started as a documentary about her talking to her famous friends (including my dear Seth) about love, but then is supposedly scripted at the end. Nonetheless, it looks adorable. AshleyAnn, this would be a perfect date movie for us.

I didn't see Mike Judge's Idiocracy, but still have a soft spot for Office Space. His newest, Extract, looks better, and has Jason Bateman and Kristen Wiig, who is like the one decent part of SNL right now.

...In which our heroine is getting better.

However cliche it seems, and it is, I've come to realize again in the past few days how very lucky I am to have wonderful people in my life that pick me up when I fall down. It really lets you see your true friends. In particular, Cassie and my wonderful mom have been really supportive and know all the right things to say. And thank you humble readers too for such kind words, they really have made things seem not so shitty.

My already hyper-active brain has been sent into overdrive by the current circumstances and I've come to realize that of all the things I'll miss about dating Ben, the one that stings the most is the fact that there are so many things I won't get to share with him. I almost lost it in Chipotle today when "California Stars" came on - because if we were still together, I would text him and tell him. But now I can't. The gods must hate me because many similar occurrences have happened in the past few days. I could share with him things I couldn't share with anyone else, and now I can't.

But, I am feeling much less blue about the situation. The group has hung out the past two nights and it hasn't been weird, and it's much easier to be around him than I thought it would be. The days pass and it hurts less and less. I would be lying if I said I was over it though. I am very much not.

The good thing about this - and there are always good things I do think - is that I've realized I need to get back to doing what's important to me. Today I went to Record Store Day for a while (I wish I could have see the Deal sisters at Shake-It though) and then visited the cinephile paradise Facets, which has like 65,000 titles for rent. I've been prepping a lot of stuff for my final film with my friend Haley, and I'm directing again, so that's in good shape. 

And, coolest of all, Pomegranates stayed at my apartment last night! They had played a show in town and when I saw Josh last weekend I offered up our living room so they didn't have to sleep in the van. They were very polite and cleaner than most of our friends, and it was nice to see them all again. My band-aid cred increases.

So I'm doing a little better everyday, and that's all I can ask for. 

...In which our heroine is...

Ben and I broke up Tuesday night. It is for the best – neither of us was particularly happy and it just wasn't working but I'm still heartbroken. And that's more so for the fact that now I feel very alone in this big city. He was the one person I felt a legitimate connection with, here and even when we weren't dating, I still hung out down in his room most nights. So now it becomes even more painful because the one person I could really talk to about these kinds of things is the only one I can't.

My entire routine is going to have to change and I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel very lost, and am really worried about what's going to happen considering we have all of the same friends. I realize that over the course of the relationship I got wrapped up in it and maybe even lost a bit of myself, but that still doesn't mean he didn't make me happy.

Things had just become too easy. I know it sounds weird, but we had too much in common. Neither of us had to try and impress the other and out of that complacency came his apathy towards me. I knew it was coming and I knew as soon as we talked about our issues it would be over, but it still was kind of a shock.

But still, the end was pretty mutual and on good terms. I can't fault him for why he had to end it, but it still makes me feel like shit as I further suffer from the “she's a friend, not a girlfriend” syndrome. I hate it, and thought I had escaped it, finally. But I guess not. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

I don't know what to do with my morose self. I am not like this – I've never been one of those people to mope about their problems. I'm much sadder at the prospect of losing Ben as a friend then losing him as a lover, and I hope that we can still be friends. But I'm not feeling too optimistic about that, even though Ben seemed open to the possibility.

Oh, and as if to add insult to injury, my mono is back with a vengeance. Headache, exhaustion, swollen glands, the works. And it's getting down to the final weeks of the semester, so maybe school will keep me busy.

Best week ever! I need a hug, or words of encouragement.

...In which our heroine remembers.

Just looking at those eyes makes me sad.

Fifteen years today. I still remember my parents being sad and watching Kurt Loder announce the news on MTV.

Nirvana is far from my favorite band now, but there was a time in my life where they were all I would listen to. Returning to Unplugged is like running into an old friend for me - the winter of my seventh grade year, I fell asleep to it every night. It will always be a comfort to me. 

I won't get started on how I don't think Cobain killed himself without a little help, or what a crazy bitch Courtney Love is. The persona of Kurt is so interesting, and I definitely recommend the documentary Kurt & Courtney for further explanation, while the boy suggests the book Heavier Than Heaven. 

Like him or his band or not, you can't deny that the music community lost a great talent too soon. Such a sad soul, especially in the eyes. At least there is some comfort in the fact that Nirvana left some sonic memories that'll will always sound like the best thing ever to alienated thirteen year olds in their bedrooms. It certainly did to me.