...In which our heroine is...

Ben and I broke up Tuesday night. It is for the best – neither of us was particularly happy and it just wasn't working but I'm still heartbroken. And that's more so for the fact that now I feel very alone in this big city. He was the one person I felt a legitimate connection with, here and even when we weren't dating, I still hung out down in his room most nights. So now it becomes even more painful because the one person I could really talk to about these kinds of things is the only one I can't.

My entire routine is going to have to change and I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel very lost, and am really worried about what's going to happen considering we have all of the same friends. I realize that over the course of the relationship I got wrapped up in it and maybe even lost a bit of myself, but that still doesn't mean he didn't make me happy.

Things had just become too easy. I know it sounds weird, but we had too much in common. Neither of us had to try and impress the other and out of that complacency came his apathy towards me. I knew it was coming and I knew as soon as we talked about our issues it would be over, but it still was kind of a shock.

But still, the end was pretty mutual and on good terms. I can't fault him for why he had to end it, but it still makes me feel like shit as I further suffer from the “she's a friend, not a girlfriend” syndrome. I hate it, and thought I had escaped it, finally. But I guess not. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

I don't know what to do with my morose self. I am not like this – I've never been one of those people to mope about their problems. I'm much sadder at the prospect of losing Ben as a friend then losing him as a lover, and I hope that we can still be friends. But I'm not feeling too optimistic about that, even though Ben seemed open to the possibility.

Oh, and as if to add insult to injury, my mono is back with a vengeance. Headache, exhaustion, swollen glands, the works. And it's getting down to the final weeks of the semester, so maybe school will keep me busy.

Best week ever! I need a hug, or words of encouragement.