...In which our heroine is grateful.

I left for Cincinnati early last Tuesday, for a 7:00 AM bus. On the cab ride, the sun was just rising over Lake Shore Drive, reflecting off of the buildings, particularly well in my favorite spot of the city, just over the Chicago river. I was exhausted, but I felt so overwhelmed by how grateful I was for my city, to be going home, to see my friends. I was overwhelmed at how lucky I was to have such oppurtunities.

The feeling of exception gratitude carried throughout the week. I had a beer with my grandmother, and got whipped cream smashed in my face at El Rancho Grande for my birthday. That night, Josh came over and we had stoned conversation with my mom about chupacabras. My dad made a list of all of the Youtube videos he couldn't wait to show me. I got a tattoo - a photo of which is forthcoming, pending healing - with my very best friend in the world for 15 years, Kara.

On Thanksgiving, prompted by going through our own family photos, I got my aunt and grandmother to go through a box of my great-grandmother's photos, also forthcoming. I saw baby photos of my dad, my great-great grandparents in the holler of Hazard, Kentucky. After my cousins and I took a plate of food to my grandmother's neighbors, Jim and Tammy, I learned that they met after he rescued her from a concentration camp in WWII, and she agreed to marry him only if he agreed to bring her mother to America as well. Viall and I braved Black Friday crowds to much success, and I visited Bob Evans, with Jeannie telling me she missed me.

But Saturday - Saturday was a big day. I saw Paul for the first time in two years.

On the way down, Nate told me all I needed to give was a wink wink nudge nudge and we could exit, but I was determined to see my friends. I wasn't going to let him stop me, again, from being happy. We had been there about an hour before he arrived, and before even getting through the door, Matt had told him to leave me the fuck alone. His hand on my shoulder, I felt overwhelmed at him stepping up for me. Throughout the evening, my friends, some better than others, some who knew more than others, came up and said how well they thought I was handling things. It was odd - I was a little drunk, so my judgment may have been a little off - but Paul was just a person. Admittedly, a very troubled, obviously substance using person, but just a person. I kept catching him giving me the eye, walking in front of me, but I never said anything. I've said everything I needed to say to him.

I had great talks with old friends - Aaron, Flo, Dani, Matt, Nate, Katelyn, Kara, Paige - and I honestly could have cried with how overwhelmed I was at the love in the room.  Paul was there, but they talk to me, told me how proud they were of me, thanked me for coming. Here I was, seeing the person that hurt me the worst of anyone, and I couldn't be sad - I simply felt too loved. It was an amazing thing, and a perfect end to a great week home. After high school, I got a bit bitter about time spent with people I shouldn't have, but Saturday, all I felt was grateful.

I don't know if I'll see Paul again, and while I wish him no ill will, I can say his present circumstances are precisely what he deserves. Nate told me I won the battle, not the war, and he told me he was both glad and surprised things went as well as they did. No tears, no punches thrown. Did I want to see Paul? No. But as Andie says to her father, right before the prom in Pretty in Pink, a quote I have always looked to in the face of adversity, "I just wanted to let him know he didn't break me." He didn't.

There aren't enough words to describe how lucky and loved I felt this past week. We spend so much time thinking about the negative, I just wanted to take a moment to talk about the positives. I just registered my very first screenplay with the Writer's Guild of America, turned in my second draft of my Stephen King adaptation, saw Patti Smith today, and am giving advice to a Screenwriting II class tomorrow. Next week, I'll submit a screenplay to Columbia's screenwriting contest, and then my family will visit for their annual Christmas jaunt.

This might be too cheerful, too optimistic, but I just feel so blessed for all of these good things in my life. For you. For all you do. Tomorrow I might bitch about the 10 degree windchill, or my itchy tattoo, but I love it, all of it.

And like Mr. Ferris Bueller, I just wanted to make sure I took a moment to stop and look around for a moment at this too fast moving life of mine, and all of the wonderful people in it.

...In which our heroine is finally, officially legal.

There'll be more photos to follow, but that was my first legal drink, the ever-classy combination of Malibu rum and pineapple juice, from Jake's Pub last night.

Your trusty heroine is twenty-one years old. And I got carded twice last night! Made me feel good about myself. It's a weird feeling something that's forbidden is now everywhere.

By some gift from the universe, I'm not even hungover today! After the redheaded slut which I really just think was Jager and tequila, it was a rough moment, but I survived the evening without even a headache.  More drinks with Julia at lunch.

21! WOOOO.

...In which our heroine presents her guide winter watching.

2010 is the worst year I can ever remember for movie-going. Right now, my top five is something like Kick-Ass, Winter's Bone, Toy Story 3, Inception, and ... Yeah, it's that terrible of a year. I'm being crumedgeondly about things like The Social Network, but if a Facebook movie is the best Hollywood can do, then I'm all good sticking to Netflix.

But that doesn't mean that the awards season doesn't bring things to look forward to. With that, I present Katydid's Guide to Winter Films.

November 26th - The King's Speech
I adore Colin Firth, and A Single Man was one of my favorite films from last year. I definitely have to be in the mood for these haughty period British movies, but the winter is the time that generally puts me in that mindset. I also love Helena Bonham-Carter and Geoffrey Rush. Should be a winner. 



December 3rd - Black Swan 
All in all, despite some missteps, I really love the diversity of story in Darren Aronofsky's work. The film festival reviews on this have been a little mixed, and I think this trailer gives too much away, but  Natalie Portman as a ballerina trying to succeed Winona Ryder? So there.


I Love You, Philip Morris
It's really a shame Jim Carrey doesn't get a chance to do more drama, because he's so damn good at it. I've honestly been reading about this movie for about, oh, three years, because it's had a really difficult time finding distribution. The story its based on, which is true, is pretty fascinating.


December 10th - The Fighter
Speaking of actors who need more dramatic work, let's talk about Marky Mark. There's a moment in this scene, from Boogie Nights, in a long take when it's just his face on the couch that blows my mind every time. It's remarkable acting, and yet he does shit 99% of the time. The Fighter, which has also gone through years of development hell, looks promising. And we get creepy-skinny cracked out Christian Bale, Amy Adams, and a Jersey Shored-Melissa Leo. I smell Oscar nods.



December 17th - Tron Legacy 
Tron Legacy is this year's Avatar for me - I'm not expecting much, except some awesome visuals, the Daft Punk score, and some beardy delightful Jeff Bridges. This is a dream movie for stoners everywhere.



Rabbit Hole 
Nicole Kidman hasn't done a goddamn thing for me as an actress since To Die For fifteen years ago. She bores me. BUT, I do love me some Aaron Eckart, and some Dianne Wiest. This film is directed by John Cameron Mitchell, who rose to prominence with his first infamous film, Hedwig & the Angry Inch, then topped it with real actors having real sex in Shortbus, which is one of the best films about love and relationships I've ever seen. So I'll deal with some non-moving porcelain faced Kidman, it's a concession I'm willing to make.


December 22nd - Somewhere
Sofia Coppola is my favorite working filmmaker, along with Paul Thomas Anderson. There are better filmmakers, but as a woman who wants to be in the industry, I worship her style and vision as an auteur. Again, the reviews have been mixed on this film from the festivals, but I'll be there the day it opens. Anyone who can look at Stephen Dorff and think "lead in at arthouse film shot at the Chateau-Marmont" has fucking commitment.


True Grit
Blood Simple, Raising Arizona, The Big Lebowski, The Hudsucker Proxy, No Country for Old Men, Fargo, Burn After Reading, A Serious Man, Barton Fink, Miller's Crossing, O Brother Where Art Thou - I really think the Coen Brothers might be consistently the best filmmakers of the past thirty years. Nobody else has that many fantastic films, and True Grit just looks amazing. And the Dude is playing the John Wayne part? Cannot fucking wait.


December 31st - Blue Valentine
I'm really concerned for this film. It just got an appeal to get its NC-17 rating, the kiss of death for commercial releasing, kept, meaning it'll play about 500 screens across the country. Chop heads off, but don't have something resembling real sex - good job, MPAA. Fuckers. I'm all about exploratory films about relationships, a la Cassavetes, and this seems like a good one. The buzz out of Cannes and Sundance has been great, and you really can't do better than Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams for actors of their generation. Getting my tissues ready.


I'm definitely most excited for the last three on this list, and I hope Cincinnati has enough foresight to play them while I'm at home. Doubtful for Blue Valentine. But these are my recommendations for what I think is worth seeing in the months to come, just another baby film snob, take them for what they're worth.

...In which our heroine is in the right place.

This is my first Chicago Halloween that didn't didn't make a massive kerplunk sound. I should be writing claims and subclaims for my exploration of Lynch's auteur style in Twin Peaks, but I owe you and myself a check-in.  Hello - how have you been? How fucking great was The Walking Dead tonight? SO GREAT. Really scary, and really well-shot. I would be worried about the sustainability, but since I hear the comics give lots of rich source material, I'm less concerned. Also - way to cut off the end of Dawn of the Dead, AMC. Dorks.

Today I'm talking about Halloween and music, and memory. It's a Halloween post, but not really.

It was party time at the residence last night. Alyssa seriously was the best costume - a giant pot leaf - but Grace as Misty from Pokemon was pretty legit as well. We had about thirty people show up, and after a lot of whiskey apple cider and much due revelry, the stragglers started to abandon ship. Ben was the first one to get here, before we were even dressed, because he was working early and leaving early. Well, guess who was the last one sitting on my couch at three in the morning. Predictable unpredictability. Look who magically got their shift changed.

We were always trading music, giving songs to each other, sharing what we loved. He gave me Neutral Milk Hotel, Animal Collective, My Bloody Valentine, etc. - I gave him Pixies, The Cure, Neil Young. And there he was again, stealing Horses and other things off of iTunes. We listened to Meadowlands by the Wrens, then Monsters of Folk, then Since I Left You by the Avalanches. I'd never heard the first and the third albums, and now their mine.

Last night solidified something for me. "The Right Place" by Monsters of Folk came on and I really listened to the lyrics, and thought about this boy in my bed. This boy who I loved so my freshman year, the answer to my everything...and how different I felt. I'll always love him a little bit, but something about that song made me realize that I'm in the right place. I watched him sleep this morning, and nothing about him made me want to leap into his arms, proclaim my love, worship him. He's just a boy, imperfect and perfect just like everyone else. I'm so far away from the person I was two Halloweens ago, when we got busted smoking pot in his dorm room I can't believe it. We've moved into a comfortable place where it isn't just awkward glances at parties any more, but it isn't doing our grocery shopping together either. It's the right place.

Yes, I know sleeping with my ex-boyfriend is probably not the smartest choice I could be making, but it's my choice. I keep getting warned about falling back in love, how it always get messy, but listening to that song, watching him sleep, I realized it might get messy and it might not, but for that moment, I was in the right place. My roommates made me feel pretty shitty about it this morning, well one did, who said I "should work out another arrangement," but she made me realize too that her maturity just isn't in the same place as mine, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Maybe it's meditation with yoga, but I'm in this really clear headspace where I'm finding that things will happen, and we can make them happen or not, but mostly they just happen to us. And most of them aren't worth freaking out about. It isn't worth worrying about your roommate's arrangement or whether you just missed the goddamn train. Just let it go, let it sink into the floor with savasana, the corpse pose for meditation, and breathe. People will come into your life and go out of it, so why not appreciate them while they're around? Why does it all have to mean something greater? Just enjoy the moments you have.

Halloween has been a major holiday for me since I realized it was a holiday - I enjoy it more than Christmas - and there's always been a pull and a power to this time of fall for me. Maybe that's just the hippie bullshit head trip I'm on right now, but damnit, I'm on it, and I'm in the right place.

There will be boys and songs and parties and Halloweens yet to come. The past is past, and what comes is better than what came before. All I do is smile in this moment about the fucking horrendous paper I still have to write because it's just a paper I won't remember six months from now. But what I will remember are the songs, the music, and the comfort of Ben's arms around me so tight then, so tight again. It could happen again, it couldn't, but worrying about it either way doesn't take the place of how good the songs are, or how nice it is to have his glasses on my nightstand occasionally.

Is this a weird post? Do you need to know this? I need to confess this, because there's no need for me to feel like a bad person (cough roommates cough), and I feel like putting these thoughts out into the black hole of the internet is easier than telling them to people, because here, I can just talk and be judged silently or not at all. They're my choices, of an almost twenty-one year old living in Chicago with a predilection towards zombies, chai tea, and obsessive pop culture saturation. My choices, to live and deal with as I please. But it always helps to write them down, to give a voice to the thoughts in my head.

Cause I like where I’m livin’, and I like what I do, and I like what I’m seein’ when I’m lookin’ at you. I still like what I’m saying when I open my face. I think I got the right feeling. I think I’m in the right place. I think I got the right feeling. I think I’m in the right place. 

 The Ladies of Mad Men: Betty Draper, Joan Holloway, and Peggy Olson

...In which our heroine is kind of a big deal.

Over the summer, we found out at CCAP we'd won a $1 million grant over the next four years to provide technology programs in some of our community schools. Because we've had $600,000 cut from our budget this year, the grant was a huge boon for us, and provided lots of happiness in the office after ten people were laid off.

In addition to this bit of good news, we also got, and I quote, a major award: the 2010 National Arts and Humanities Youth Program Award, presented to us by Michelle Obama. Our executive director David, Herzl Elementary resource coordinator Rachel, and head of community schools April were in DC to accept it, as well as one of our students.

It was, I believe, our sixth year applying for the award, and we were picked as one of only 15 recipients. We watched the live stream this morning, complete with fist pump from the First Lady when our name was announced, and celebrated with cupcakes.

The Chicago Tribune wrote about us. The first lady gave us a plaque. We're kind of a big deal.

UPDATE: Now with photos!

Of all the great things Columbia and Chicago have given me, I think my work with CCAP might just be the greatest.

PS - I'm dying for not being at the five-night, discography spanning My Morning Jacket shows at Terminal 5 in New York this week. DYINGGG. They dressed Pooch in a leisure suit for chrissakes!

...In which our heroine celebrates a milestone.

It's my 250th post. I should have something profound to say. I do not. Instead, here are eleven of my favorite scenes from my eleven favorite films.

Almost Famous - Cameron Crowe, 2000


The Sweet Hereafter - Atom Egoyan, 1997


Blade Runner - Ridley Scott, 1982


Blue Velvet - David Lynch, 1986


A Woman Under the Influence - John Cassavetes, 1974


Boogie Nights - Paul Thomas Anderson, 1997


Leon - Luc Besson, 1994


Lost in Translation - Sofia Coppola, 2003


True Romance - Tony Scott, 1993


The Big Lebowski - The Coen Brothers, 1998


Evil Dead II - Sam Raimi, 1987

...In which our heroine has only one thing.

COULD THIS LOOK ANY FUCKING BETTER? I MEAN, REALLY.